A cancer diagnosis is a seismic event that shakes the foundations of one’s life, and among the unexpected aftershocks can be a change in friendships. While some friends may rally with incredible strength and unwavering support, it’s not uncommon for others to become distant, leaving those facing cancer with an additional layer of grief and confusion. Understanding this complex dynamic with empathy for all involved can help both sides navigate this challenging terrain.
Why the Distance?
From the perspective of the individual diagnosed with cancer, the feeling of abandonment can be incredibly painful. It’s natural to question the depth of friendships and wonder why some who seemed so close are now absent. This feeling of social isolation is a real side effect, with 60% of people reporting it after a cancer diagnosis or treatment, according to an American Cancer Society survey. It’s crucial to remember that this distance isn’t a reflection of your worth or deservingness of support.
For friends, the reasons behind their withdrawal can be varied and often deeply personal:
- Fear and Helplessness: Some friends may be overwhelmed by the reality of cancer, finding it difficult to cope with their own feelings of fear, helplessness, or even the reminder of their own mortality.
- Uncertainty and Discomfort: They may simply not know what to say or do, fearing they’ll say the wrong thing or be unable to provide the “right” kind of support. This can lead to avoidance as a coping mechanism.
- Personal Circumstances: Life doesn’t stop for friends, and they may be facing their own overwhelming challenges – family issues, work stress, or financial difficulties – that limit their capacity to offer support.
- Misconceptions about Cancer: Some may hold outdated or unrealistic views of cancer, believing it’s an immediate death sentence and making it difficult to interact with someone living with the disease.
- Self-Preservation: In some cases, a friend may distance themselves due to a more self-centered need to avoid difficult emotions and experiences, says Dr. Julia Burns.
Bridging the Divide
Open communication and empathy are key whether one is living with cancer or a friend seeking to offer support:
- For the person with cancer: Expressing feelings honestly, including hurt or disappointment, can be the first step. Directly address any distance with a friend, acknowledging their potential discomfort while also expressing the need for connection. Focus energy on those who demonstrate genuine care and support. Seek out support groups or counseling to process emotions and build a stronger support network. The American Cancer Society and Cancer Support Community offer support groups and online forums for both patients and caregivers.
- For the friend: Reach out, even if unsure of what to say. Simple gestures, such as regular check-in texts or phone calls, offering specific help like picking up groceries, or being a silent, supportive presence can make a significant difference. Listen actively without judgment. Avoid offering unsolicited advice or comparing their experience to others. Respect the need for privacy and emotional space. It’s acceptable to ask what is needed rather than assuming. Friends can also help caregivers by offering practical support or giving them a break, notes the American Cancer Society.
Cancer can reshape relationships. Recognizing feelings on both sides, fostering open communication, and demonstrating empathy can help friendships not only survive but also deepen and evolve in new and meaningful ways. Remember that presence and genuine care, not perfection, are what truly matter.
