Did you ever imagine your life, in essence your identity, could be reduced to a random series of seemingly inconsequential numbers?
Every trait, value, prior experience pushed to the side and no longer relevant to encapsulating who you are? From a certain date and each day following you enter a foreign life chapter with survival as your new goal. In 2022, I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer Ductal Carcinoma In Situ. It was very surreal and felt like my identity was altered the moment I heard “you have cancer”.
In retrospect looking back on the moment, I wish I could have better prepared myself for the battle I was thrown into and continue to fight to date. Feelings of what I now recognize as shock temporarily froze my ability to process any of the information my doctor was trying to relay to me and to my wonderful soulmate James. I remember looking at the expression on his face, although he tried to remain stoic I knew he was already worried about what would happen next.
It would have been so much more helpful if the doctor told me less “facts” and had given more encouragement rather than trying to explain details in that moment. My initial thoughts were of my son, who has special needs, of James, my extended family and of not knowing how I could possibly deal with cancer on top of everything else we had going on in our lives at the time.
Growing up with cerebral palsy has given me a very determined nature, as I’ve had to deal with many physical roadblocks throughout my life. I’ve already had to figure out how to cope with a body that doesn’t always work the way I need it to. Even I didn’t realize how multi faceted fighting cancer actually is. Cancer attacks a person’s mental health even more than their physical health. How could anyone not experience worry, fear, depression and anxiety over their own mortality when they become a cancer patient?
I had to push a giant “pause” button on the other aspects of my life and focus on fighting for my life instead of putting others’ needs before my own. Entering the “Cancer Verse” was like being dropped off on an alien planet. This planet was full of strange machines, toxic medications and vintage 1970’s avocado green chairs in the main waiting room. Luckily for me, this alien planet also had kind, knowledgeable doctors/chemo nurses who made me feel heard, and answered questions willingly.
Even with the medical and personal support I have, this has been the fight of and for my life. If you also deal with cancer personally or through a loved one, advocate, ask questions, and show vulnerability. You don’t have to be “strong” and if you are not happy with your care you can find other opinions/options. Cancer treatment should be individualized.
Surrendering by becoming “number” 2238241 brought me many gifts. This is very humbling and part of healing. You don’t have to let cancer change your identity. You have the choice to decide how you want to live the rest of the existence you fought so hard for. Reaching out, and finding communities sharing a positive mindset is essential while coping with life as a cancer survivor. You must temporarily be a “number” to travel this path, but how you live moving forward is your parting gift. Hold onto hope, it is there even during the darkest days. If cancer knocks at your door, you have the power to turn pain into purpose.
By Kerri Reid
